Candy Cane Carnage

Oh the horrors.  A group of 10 high school boys homegrown terrorists,  members of the nefarious Christmas Sweater Club, were accused of “‘maliciously maim[ing] students with the intent to injure”. 

What were their methods – Explosives? Poison?  Nay.  Far more heinous, my friends.  They are accused of….(I shudder to type the words….) tossing candy canes to fellow students as they entered the school.

And not just any ole’ candy canes.  These were the 2 whole inch ones – complete with sanitary plastic bags around them.  (I can imagine our FLOTUS nodding her head in sad acknowledgement – it was only a matter of time before something like this happened).

According to one of the accused, junior Skylar  “Sven” Torbett, also a junior (and possibly a  Lutheran) administrators told him, “They said the candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them.” 

I’ll pause while you reread that.   Yep.  You read it right the first time.  

The perpetrators were given a fairly light sentence as far as “zero tolerance” rules and regs go (considering they had those candy cane weapons on them)  – just a couple of hours of detention and cleaning.  The official note from the school limited their offenses to littering and creating a disturbance. The group does admit that littering was possibly one side effect of their attempts to spread Christmas cheer (darned old wrappers)  but denies disturbances since it happened before school started.

The parents thought the school went a tad bit overboard too. 

Mother Kathleen Flannery said an administrator called her and explained “not everyone wants Christmas cheer. That suicide rates are up over Christmas, and that they should keep their cheer to themselves, perhaps.”

Yeah! Because the last thing you want to do to someone who is depressed is to try to cheer them up or something…

The boys say they are  still spreading cheer.  Clearly unrepentant,  I have it on good authority that next year they are planning to leave a 12 inch Christmas tree out in plain sight.


5 Responses

  1. Their mistake was in labeling their actions “Christmas Cheer”. If they’d insisted that their candy canes were actually Ramadan sweets or Kwanzaa treats then the school board would’ve pinned a medal on them.

    …said the guy who’s clearly sat through one too many mandatory diversity training sessions…

  2. ROTFL!! I needed that after a longer than necessary drive into the mountains.

    Maybe the candy cane shank gang can distribute larger ones next year. Club-size a la the Black Panthers outside the Philly polling station?

  3. Sharpened 2-inch candy canes as weapons? Maybe there are some 12 inch vampires running around that school. LOL.

    Fortunately, these young guys are protected by the exuberance of youth. This school’s administrators should be sent to the corner with a copy of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” that is, if it hasn’t been banned from the school library.

    • I figure you’ve got to be very persistent to kill (or even maim) someone by 2 inch candy canes..and your victim has to be pretty patient and willing to go along with it as well. Kinda like laying down and having one of those designer purse pooch gnaw you to death. They would come in handy as place holders in Dicken’s books, however….

  4. How absurd. Real life is certainly stranger than fiction.

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